As it has been in the past, I’ve been roused from the depths. Awoken, as it were, from my long-sleep. This time though, it was not by a wall of appreciation for my blog, it came from a single ‘tweet’.
So… Rather than incite secular violent protest among the masses, I opted to take the high road and update my damned blog. How generous of me!
So what’s been going on? Lets take it month by month in order to kind of bring things up to speed.
December/January, The Long Winter:
December represented grim tidings for Mrs. Oak and I. We had been trying with medical assistance to procreate, and at the end of this month it turned into a dead end. Short of overly intrusive and expensive methods, the medical method doesn’t seem to be an option for us in the short term. For those curious, the simple problem is that my swimmers are awful both in stamina and number. No specialist knows why, it just is.
At the time, this was nothing less than a tragedy for us, as we had a near miss on the final attempt. A period of mourning followed, wherein I tried to be as supportive as possible, but something was gnawing away at me on the inside…
February, The Detonation:
I would characterize February as a mental breakdown. Everything came unglued. I felt worthless, awful, wholly responsible for my (our) circumstances, and bluntly, I hated myself. I was an emotional wreck, wherein a spilled cup of coffee caused me to miss an afternoon at work. I felt responsible for the Mrs; who still needed my support, but I could no longer offer it because I was wholly consumed within my own struggle.
Needless to say these feelings were completely irrational, borne of some sweet and tempting lie I’d been swallowing since I was a youth. Ironically, I then hated myself for being irrational and damaging my relationships continuing the spiral further…
I had rolled boxcars on my psychic test, and was dragged into the warp, to be constantly assailed by Chaos.
Which is weird, because I never left the material plane. Go figure.
Sleep was hard to come by, my work suffered, hobbies and passions that I typically enjoyed seemed unappealing to me; I’m sure you can relate to some of these symptoms, and I’ve written about them before, just under a different guise…
March, The Awakening:
Welp, someone (*COUGH* Mrs. Oak *COUGH*) suggested to me that there could be another way to think, rather than all of this (unreasonable) self-loathing. Frankly, it’s very hard to watch someone you love self-immolate like that, and kudos for her for not backing down as I sputtered “b-b-b-but…. I’ve always been this way!”
Which is the truth. I mean, I’ve been able to muscle through every trial put in my path, but it’s been a gigantic struggle to get this far it seems. But need it have been so? In retrospect, probably not.
Here’s some of the faulty thinking that has taken root since my formative years:
- Not taking credit for my own successes: If/when I aced a test or something, I’d be more inclined to shrug off the result on the basis that it was an easy test, instead of… y’know… admitting I might be kind of smart? Similarly when someone compliments me, I’d be more inclined to shrug it off on circumstances that allowed me to shine, instead of accepting the damn compliment.
- Filtering out good things in lieu of the bad: This kind of lends to the above, but with a twist. If I completely knocked one out of the park, I’ll dwell for *HOURS* on how I could have done one minor detail that I missed better. In that way a positive thing can become a negative thing in a hurry, instead of admitting: “I kicked ass and took names.”
- Overgeneralization: This one little detail in my life isn’t working out ergo I must be a complete failure.
- Shoulds: I think if I got your attention with the first three, you probably already know where I’m going with this one. Any time this word makes an appearance you’re placing a potentially unfair expectation on yourself, which leads to immense guilt.
There’s a lot more at play within my own brain than I’m going to get into and indeed there are many, many more distortions. I can think of several examples within my own blog with self-deprecating humour, setting impossible standards and times when I’ve battled with low self-esteem.
Anyways. All this to say, when you can categorically pick through your brain and identify the thought processes at work, it is relatively easy to change your thought processes to reflect the truth of your situation.
I’ve been enjoying the success of this lately and I gotta tell you there’s nothing quite like rolling 6’s on the Deny the Witch rolls for a Witchfire attack.
For example, I’m able to accept a compliment now. I’m able to function at work without gripping anxiety that someone will realize how dumb I am (because I’m not, and I don’t need to worry about this stuff). Once again my hobbies have become more enjoyable. I think I’ve been a lot more fun to be around lately too, which is good news for everyone.
So: A big thanks to Mrs. Oak for being patient and supportive through all of this, I have a feeling it’s going to help me greatly.
Woof, that got serious eh?
I just want to point out, that the past 4 months or so haven’t been all serious and heavy. There’s been a lot of good stuff too. I’d be doing myself (and my self-esteem) a disservice to not mention it!
I had a pretty good game against a challenging Eldar list. We both forgot that Wraithknights are now gargantuan creatures and therefore cannot overwatch. This cost me Sir Winston, and likely the battle. OH WELL! 40k is harrrrd.
I had a ROCKIN’ good game with my Chaosbro where I tried out some Mechanicus shenanigans, wherein a communication error resulted in 500 points disparity in our army lists. Some late reserves arrived for Chaos, and learned me the hard way that Heldrakes can still do some pretty good work.
https://twitter.com/Oakenhawk/status/825388823463002112
https://twitter.com/Oakenhawk/status/825458373864878081
I tried my hand in batch-painting for a period in time, before I ran out of steam and my brain was ripped into the warp:
https://twitter.com/Oakenhawk/status/825754167285317632
I’ve been having fun in Kerbal Space Program and World of Warships as well.
That pretty much brings us up to speed. I’m obviously feeling a lot better these days, so I’ll definitely be in touch. Take care everyone!
The Emprahs Mighty Flowry Meadow 
Damn, I’m really sorry to hear about the near-miss. I’m completely in the dark here, but maybe if you can have a near-miss maybe one day you’ll just fluke it out. I have faith!
I totally forgot about that 500 on 1000pt game! A huge shit-eating-grin crept across my face as I got to that part of the post. Had a ton of fun hanging at Hairy T tonight, even if we didn’t roll dice. Now keep posting!
Oh it’s POSSIBLE. Just statistically minimal. Even medically assisted we were looking at a 20% success rate per shot, and we did 3 shots. Without assistance it’s about…. .5% per shot. Which honestly is kind of fun (we haven’t stopped TRYING [huehuehuehue]) but the possibility of results isn’t encouraging. We’ll keep at it while exploring other options, like adoption, buying 8 more dachshunds and making a herd, or other compensatory efforts 🙂
Dude that game was pretty awesome. I felt awful that I had 500 more points (OF MECHANICUS, at that). That’s like accidentally bringing another pair of rip-tides. I think we found a fair and fun solution though 😀
The Hairy T was pretty fun. It was nice slapping some paint on something in a crowd, and I’ll admit I kind of got lost in the process. “OH Yeah! This IS super fun.” I’m still really down to try out your other game systems but I guess it didn’t really happen yesterday. 😦
Sorry to hear about your problems with our going into details on a public platform I have some insight all I’d say is you seem to have dealt with it better than I did took me 8 years to aself actualise that it had affected me that deeply I had a problem and get some help did the manly stoic thing which combined with my natural or some say preternatural stubbornness meant I made things hell for myself and everyone around me.
But get your hobby on some amazing looking battlefields there hope we hear more from you soon… missed you man 😄
DC!!!! Nice to see you’re still lurking around. For me, understanding that I could actually change the way I think about things was the groundbreaker. From there on its been gaining steam.
I’m hardly an expert in the brain or how it works, but this has been a super cool process for me. I thought that getting help would be admitting defeat… but in retrospect that was pretty ridiculous.
The other thing is, I didn’t know there was another way. I thought “this is who I am, and it’s gotten me this far.” Which is great. But if I was loving my neighbour like I loved myself, I’d be a shitty-ass neighbour. That needed to change.
Anyways – the above comment is trying to encourage anyone reading that change is possible, and real. Go get help if you want to help yourself! Talk with someone! Be real!
That’s hard to hear mate. Sounds like a tough time but that you’re coming through it now.
Warning. Compliment inbound. Brace for impact.
You’ve written it all really, really well. It’s written by a real person with a wicked twist of reality thrown in. Mental health is a big thing here in the U.K at the moment and it’s nice to read something that’s real and without buzz words.
Well done.
Complement ends.
NOW GET SOME PAINTING DONE!
Shucks, thanks Trooper! Out of curiosity, what are the buzz words you’re talking about? I could stick in a bunch of #bellletstalk things in order to be relevant here in Canada…
(That’s a Canadian Twitter campaign for mental health awareness)
TBH I just meant any words – I think. You put it in real terms, you didn’t just ” I am this thing” – you explained it, very well. Now others understand you. 🙂
Which is better than saying I am this or that.
Who let life mess with our hobbies? Go away life!
Like the others, sorry to hear. It’s tough when it’s not your choice, whatever it is.
lol! Thanks Thor. I think things are looking up presently. 🙂
Good to have you back.
I recognise both the daemons you’ve summoned and the method for their banishment. Data, data, data, that’s what I tell myself (and others) – if you make a claim about yourself, appraise the evidence forthwith and see if you’re talking cobblers. You probably are.
Thanks Von, nice to be back.
You’re smack on point here. The process of exorcism is getting more streamlined, though seems to get bogged down when I’m tired or strung out. It makes you more vulnerable.
I’m starting to notice that a lot of what I interpret from interactions with other people is similarly influenced by fatalistic thinking, and that needs to change also.
GROWTH!